The Golden Years

I am approaching 70 like a freaking freight train!

I have heard a lot about these so called “golden years”. My parents used to talk about them in derogatory tones.

We self flagellate with desultory lines like “there is nothing golden about the damn golden years” – promptly hike up our pants, let our big gut spill over our belt and spit on the ground – followed by a giant harumph!

But when do they start? Is there an official ribbon cutting? Is it age 60? 65? 70?

Things start to change. We get tired faster. We don’t sleep as well. We have aches and pains that never used to bother us. We breath hard putting on our shoes.

It is a very gradual thing for some. Perhaps not so much for others.

Recently I was at an event where I ran into a number of former colleagues. I was surprised at how we age differently. Some remained remarkably young looking. Others, had seemingly aged more rapidly.

In fairness they may have had similar thoughts about me. When I look in the mirror, I am ambivalent about my appearance. I take the view that if I don’t look too closely, then I haven’t changed that much.

My bones would tell a different story.

There are of course, many factors to aging. DNA, lifestyle, health, impacts of events throughout ones life, stress etc.

One day you are partying all night long, going to work in the same clothes and doing it all over again tomorrow. The world is your oyster.

The next, you are curling up on the couch in your comfy pjs, waking up a couple of hours later to go to bed – and doing it all over again tomorrow!

What the heck happened in between?

You know things have changed when you pass up on a night out, because your favourite show is on TV – or its simply too much effort to get dressed.

Your back aches. Your hips keep you awake at night. You have to get up to pee in the night. You wake up and can’t get back to sleep. You can’t read without glasses. In addition to your family doctor, you see a chiropractor, naturopath, osteopath – sometimes just to have a a listening ear – someone to understand.

I used to laugh at all the “old guys” hanging out at Timmies at 6am, as I went through the drive thru to get a coffee to go, on the way to work. Is this some kind of a men’s secret club? They want to get away from “the old ball and chain” early in the morning?

Nope! They can’t sleep. They have sore hips. Their back aches. The had to pee anyway so they just stayed up.

Sheesh!

Your hair thins, but your ear hair and nose hairs grow longer and faster. Before you know it you are pulling a three inch hair out of your left nostril. You can braid your ear hair and there are insects living in the brush pile above your eyes.

You constantly have a toothpick in your mouth because gaps have developed between your teeth (assuming you still have them all) and there is always something in there that needs digging out.

Not to mention all the “why am I here moments” throughout the day. Good lord. 10 minutes ago I came into the kitchen to get some eye drops. I suddenly remembered I had to get something out of the shop and take to the garage. By the time I was done, I had forgotten about the eyedrops. Now I can’t remember where they were!!

You suddenly don’t care about your appearance. Sweatpants are now considered evening wear.

Personal appearance is less important than when you were in daycare, pooping your pants.

Speaking of which…..

One day you are walking through the mall with your wife and the next minute it sounds like there is a machine gun operating from the back of your pants. Oh gawd no – the walking farts!

Suddenly, without warning, you have lost control.

Congratulations!

You have entered the Golden Years.